"Ten years ago, did you ever think you'd be here?"
It was new territory, moving the tree into the family room. As long as he'd lived here, it had always had the same spot. But six and a half years ago, our little family moved in - bringing a whole lot of new and change with us. Last year, for Christmas, my parents gifted us my childhood piano, finding its new home right where the tree had always gone. So we tried something different.
And, we loved it. Finally decorated with gifts starting to trickle in around the skirt, we had to admit it looked beautiful.
Did I ever think I'd be here?
Ten years ago, on Christmas, I was one month separated from my husband. I had no support from my family. I bought and wrapped all the gifts for my sons, smiled as they opened them, and then moved out of my apartment while they visited their grandma. There was no spending time with family or even hearing from them for me. Just throwing my things in the back of a friend's truck and moving into a tiny apartment.
Ten years ago, I wondered if my children were broken forever. If a merry little Christmas was just a bitter joke somebody wrote. If the love and joy in movies existed anywhere in the real world.
My childhood Christmases were complicated too. My mom had her own reasons to feel torn about the holiday, and it was palpable much of the time. There was a year she tore down the tree. Another when she didn't want to let us put one up at all. A year she wouldn't open my gift with everyone else's for reasons I didn't know or understand. A year she received a gift she didn't want and spent the day crying about it.
As I get older, I have a lot of love and compassion for my mom, who I know had a really hard time getting through those days. But as a child, it made for a lot of uncertainty, and certainly sadness. I always wanted to love Christmas. But I didn't always get to.
Did I ever think I'd be here?
The boys help decorate the tree. "This is my favorite ornament, I always put it on first." Classic Christmas tunes play in the background. Our dog sniffs curiously at the branches. The lights cast a soft glow on a custom river stone feature my husband and I made together. There will be hot chocolate with marshmallows and cinnamon. Later, on the last day of school, it will snow. We'll visit the Christmas Village like we do every year. They'll build a companion in the backyard. At night, a good man, a man who loves my sons like his own, will snuggle up next to me and we'll look at the tree together.
"We have a good family," my son told me the other day. "I like us."
Did I ever think I'd be here?
Not in a million years. Not as a child, and not as a parent, when my heart hurt and I wondered if it would ever be ok. But this year I can honestly say - I think we'll have ourselves a Merry Little Christmas.
